Why Do I Lose it with My Kids?

Have you ever had an experience in which your own behavior made no sense to you? A time when you’ve reacted and then asked yourself, “Why did I just behave that way? 

Have you ever made the decision not to do something again, and you do it anyway? “I will not yell at my kids. I will keep my cool and be rational no matter how many times they refuse to get dressed.” Then, the next time they refuse to get dressed, you find yourself yelling. 

Sound Familiar?

These are examples of getting stuck in our lower brains, not able to access our higher brains. Of course it’s those higher regions that are in charge of being rational, thinking things through, problem solving, etc.  Getting from the lower to upper brain requires neural pathways to be in place between these areas. The more neural connections we have between the lower and higher brain, the more likely we are to use these pathways (or networks).

Two things are vital:

Having neural pathways from our lower to higher brain regions.

Being able to access the pathways we have.

The more we use specific pathways, the more efficient and automatic they become. So, in everyday life it works like this…my kids won’t cooperate, I get frustrated and yell. The more times I react this way the stronger that pathway becomes. It’s easier and easier for me to react that way, each time I do it. 

See the problem? 

To not react that way becomes increasingly more challenging, each time I do yell. However, it’s not hopeless. We have the brain power to initiate change by interrupting the process, and creating new pathways. WHEW!

Let’s break this situation down to two major components of our behavior:

1) We are getting triggered.

2) We are automatically using the path of least resistance, the same old one we’ve always used.

Component 1: Getting triggered

Psychotherapy is one way of figuring out why we get triggered, and for many it’s the right option. However, there may be another option. This will depend upon a few things: What is the intensity of the behavior? What is the impact of the behavior on your life and those around you?  What is your capacity for self-reflection? If you decide that the intensity and impact are not extreme, and you can be self reflective, this second option might be right for you. It entails becoming aware of the fact that you are triggered by certain situations, and accepting that as true. In this way you are owning the behavior and can now take responsibility. Taking responsibility means you are not blaming your behavior on the behavior of others.  By acknowledging and owning the behavior, you are now in a position to make a change, if that’s what you want to do.

Component 2: Path of least resistance

Step two evolves from our awareness. Awareness often begins as something that happens after the fact. Noticing that we had been triggered, after we yelled at our kids.  It can be as simple as saying to yourself, “oh wow, there it was, that yelling. I felt so frustrated/angry and just reacted.”  Not such a bad idea to also say something to the others involved. “Hey kids, I’m sorry I kind of lost it. I’m working on not yelling when I get really frustrated.”

That’s the beginning. We’re heading towards noticing in the moment and saying to yourself (or, out loud) something like, “I’m frustrated, I’m really struggling with this.” 

Noticing in the moment changes everything. 

We are no longer stuck in the lower parts of our brain; being frustrated with no options other then yelling. The noticing brings us into the higher parts of our brain.  We notice that we are frustrated, which is categorically different then being swept away by frustration.

Awareness in the moment, interrupts the process. This tiny space we have created with awareness, offers the possibility for response rather than reaction.  A new response triggers a new set of neurons and creates a new pathway. As we move away from the path of least resistance (the old pathway) it begins to break apart. As we use new pathways more and more often, they become stronger and stronger.

Rational Brain, ACCESS DENIED

Brain Development

Brains develop from the bottom up. When born, the “downstairs,” lower (sub-cortical) regions of our brain are developed. The “upstairs,” higher (cortical) regions are still developing. However, even once developed, our “upstairs” brains can go “off-line,” and not be accessible. I’m getting ahead of myself….back to brain development.

The lower parts of our brain focus on keeping us alive.  This is the seat of our automatic functions like our heartbeat, breathing, maintaining body temperature, and more. Our lower brain is the foundation for all future brain development. 

As we move up the brain we find the home of our emotions (the limbic system). Connections between our lower brain and the limbic system, can engage our fight, flight, and freeze responses. With connections to other parts of our brain comes a wider range of options. If these connections don’t exist, or aren’t accessible, we may be stuck with only these choices: fight, flight, and freeze.

Experiences create connections

If we have attuned caregivers then our needs are consistently met. We learn to trust the world. The lower part of our brain is organized, and connections are made that support us feeling safe and attached.  If this does not happen, then we have disorganization in the lower parts of our brain. We don’t have strong connections leading to feelings of safety and attachment.

The level of organization in our lower brain makes a big difference. This, however, doesn’t mean that securely attached kiddos won’t have meltdowns. Remember, the higher parts of the brain are still developing. So, there will be times when our kids may be stuck in the lower parts of their brain, and yes, you guessed it, the only options they have are fight, flight, and freeze.

Next, we’ll be talking about how to support higher and lower (vertical) brain integration. In other words, helping our kiddos build that stairway to the upper brain…no hammers necessary.

Stay Tuned....

Parenting Through Dys-Regulation

Dan Siegel’s book “The Whole Brain Child,” is full of information on how to connect with children when they are dys-regulated, and ways to support integration. I highly recommend it.

The optimal situation occurs when we, and our children, can react to things using our whole brain. That doesn’t always happen. So, 

• What does it look like if we are having, or seeing, a right brain reaction? 
• What about a left brain reaction?

When the right brain is in charge we can be flooded with emotions, images, and physical sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, and we can appear quite illogical.

When the left brain is in charge we may deny or negate any emotions or sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, but we can appear very logical and practical.

Siegel talks about a river of well being, with one bank of the river representing chaos and the other bank representing rigidity. He defines mental health as “remaining in the harmonious flow between these two extremes.” He goes on to say, “By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current of mental health and happiness.” (2011, p 21)

Parenting Strategies during times of chaos or rigidity

Connect and Redirect: This includes allowing yourself to feel what your child is feeling and connecting with them right brain to right brain. This is not the time for logic; it is the time for attunement.  

• Acknowledge the feelings that are present, and use non-verbal cues (tone of voice, physical touch, body position, etc.) to show that you “get it." 
• After connecting, then you can redirect. Bring in the left brain to discuss what happened and what can be done.

During emotional flooding, the rational parts of the brain are not accessible (a topic that will be expanded upon in a different post). It makes sense that it's NOT the time to talk. To teach, or address behaviors, you want your child to be in a state of arousal in which they can take in and use information.

Name it to Tame it: Time and sequence don’t tend to hang out in the right brain. If the right brain is in charge then details such as, cause and effect, what happened first, next, etc. may become muddled. This means it’s easy to mix things up and make connections between events and feelings that may not seem logical. 

• Support your children in telling the story of an experience. 
• Let them share, while adding sequence, resolutions and/or support given, context and details. 
• At the same time include the emotions and sensations that were part of the experience. 

Bringing the left and right brain together can help integrate an experience. 

Integrated experiences can make sense, even if we don’t like what happened.

This strategy can also be used to name our emotions and help bring down the intensity. Being angry, and noticing that I’m angry, are not the same experiences. 

• When "I'm angry," this includes physiological reactions and I may be swept away by my emotions. 
• When "I notice I'm angry," I’ve created some space between the physiological reactions, and myself; turning down the intensity. Now I have a choice and can respond instead of react. 

I think this is one of the best parenting techniques I have ever found. It increases my access to options in the moment.

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Siegel, Dan & Tina Payne Bryson (2011). The Whole Brain Child. Delacorte Press. New York.

When Kids & Parents Feel Overwhelmed

What does the word overwhelm mean?  To be covered or buried beneath something, to be overpowered.

What happens when we are overwhelmed?

Our brains and bodies are always taking in sensory information. If any of this input is perceived as threatening, a small almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala, automatically activates either our sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous systems.

If we believe we can do something about the perceived threat, our sympathetic nervous system is activated and our body prepares to fight or to flee. This is called a hyper-aroused state. If we don’t believe we can do anything about the perceived threat, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated and our body shuts down. This is called a hypo-aroused state. In both of these states our nervous system is dys-regulated.

When our nervous system is regulated, we are within what is called, our "window of tolerance."  If we are able to deal with things without going outside of our window of tolerance, (not going into hypo- or hyper-arousal) then we are in a regulated state.

My daughter went into a state of hypoarousal (see 5/2 post). All energy went inward.  She was overwhelmed and shut down. At that time, parts of her brain were not accessible. She could not access her Pre-frontal cortex. The Pre-frontal cortex is the CEO of the brain. It plays a vital role in planning, organizing, deciding, analyzing, sequencing, attention, and more.

When it seems we’ve lost our minds, we kind of have, at least we’ve lost access to the rational parts. We can’t use logic and explanations to connect to a child in this state. For example, my questioning her, wasn’t the way to connect.

How do we connect? The topic of the next post…

What Happened? Right and Left Brain Reactions

It was the kind of sound that makes your heart stop and your body move at lightening speed. I ran into my 4 year old daughter’s room.

She was holding Elizabelle, her pet rat. There was a lot of blood.

My mind was racing; I didn’t know what to do or what to say. “What happened?” As soon as I said it, it felt wrong. I couldn’t articulate why it was wrong, but I felt it. She was frantic, inconsolable. We were both so overwhelmed.

My left-brain needed an explanation; it was pushing me to find a way to understand how this had happened. That is what left brains do, they want to piece things together in some kind of an order, so we can make sense of things. My body knew there was no making sense of this, but my brain held out for some explanation.

Slowly she showed me what had happened. She had taken Elizabelle out of her cage and put her in her play kitchen. One slam of the door at the wrong time resulted in this awful scene. Helplessly, she watched a pet she loved, die. 

She could not understand the cause and effect of her actions; she couldn’t have known this could happen. She couldn’t express her feelings and experience in words; those words did not yet exist for her. Those body sensations had no names attached to them yet.

This happened years ago. Today, I understand why it felt so wrong when I let my left-brain lead my behavior. Instead of being an observer asking questions, my daughter needed connection. She needed me to be present and attuned. She needed me to be in the experience with her.

The intensity of her emotions was too much for her, she shut down. She didn’t speak for several hours, but she needed my presence. I could not be afraid to go with her into these emotions. I had to let her know I was there no matter what, and that I could handle any emotions she had.

In the days that followed, we wrote books about Elizabelle, drew pictures and wrote her letters. We had a wall covered in butcher paper that grew with images and words over time. We created an Elizabelle doll that was a stuffed rat and talked and played with her. We did all of this so she didn’t have to stay stuck. We created a coherent narrative that she could process, so she could integrate the experience and move on.

In my next post I’ll talk about what was actually going on neuro-biologically during this experience. The more we understand, the more we can engage responsively and authentically.

A Cardinal "Should:" I Should be Super Mom

We had a big windstorm one year. My daughter and I walked around the backyard surveying the damage. A very large fir tree had blown over. It was laying on the ground with twisted roots showing.

We stood beside it; I saw the confusion on her face. As the reality of what had happened hit her, she looked up at me. Her eyes were wet and big; she seemed to feel the pain of the earth and the tree.  I was not prepared for what came out of her mouth…”Mommy, fix it.”

I felt helpless. I didn’t want her to feel this pain. I wanted her to continue believing I could make everything ok.

I wanted the power she believed I had. I experienced myself through her eyes. She viewed me as able to do anything. I didn’t want to let her down; I wanted to live up to this image. 

The birthplace of a cardinal “should.”  I should be able to be all things to my child. I should be Super Mom!

Underneath this “should” was the inner knowing that I couldn’t, that I would fail. I now knew “I would never be good enough.” What a burden. This haunted me for years, as it haunts many parents. It was a belief that kept me from being able to be authentic with my children.

Letting go of this belief, opened up many new options, and paved the way for authenticity.

I learned to experience my daughter’s pain with her, but not make it mine. Now, she was able to:  experience pain, know that it would be ok, know that we could handle it, and, know that I would be there.

That is the source of my true power, and it is enough.

Doing Mindfulness or Being Mindful?

Mindfulness is not something you “do to your children.” Being mindful, means taking a break from doing and thinking. You become face to face with yourself. You can discover a lot…

          Why when I try to just sit and relax does my mind race? 

          What is so uncomfortable about just being with myself?

Being mindful doesn’t imply that it’s not ok to be busy. You can have many things to get done and think about, and still be mindful.