Dan Siegel’s book “The Whole Brain Child,” is full of
information on how to connect with children when they are dys-regulated, and
ways to support integration. I highly recommend it.
The optimal situation occurs when we, and our children, can react to things
using our whole brain. That doesn’t always happen. So,
- What does it look like if we are having, or seeing, a right brain reaction?
- What about a left brain reaction?
When the right brain is in charge we can be flooded with
emotions, images, and physical sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, and we can appear quite illogical.
When the left brain is in charge we may deny or negate any
emotions or sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, but we can appear very logical and practical.
Siegel talks about a river of well being, with one bank of
the river representing chaos and the other bank representing rigidity. He
defines mental health as “remaining in the harmonious flow between these two
extremes.” He goes on to say, “By
helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of
avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current
of mental health and happiness.” (2011, p 21)
Parenting Strategies during times of chaos or rigidity
Connect and Redirect:
This includes allowing yourself to feel what your child is feeling and
connecting with them right brain to right brain. This is not the time for logic; it is
the time for attunement.
- Acknowledge the feelings that are present, and use non-verbal cues (tone of voice, physical touch, body position, etc.) to show that you “get it."
- After connecting, then you can redirect. Bring in the left brain to discuss what happened and what can be done.
During emotional flooding, the
rational parts of the brain are not accessible (a topic that will be expanded upon in a different post). It makes sense that it's NOT the time to talk. To teach, or address behaviors, you want your child
to be in a state of arousal in which they can take in and use information.
Name it to Tame it: Time and sequence don’t tend to hang out in the right brain.
If the right brain is in charge then details such as, cause and effect, what
happened first, next, etc. may become muddled. This means it’s easy to mix things up
and make connections between events and feelings that may not seem logical.
- Support your children in telling the story of an experience.
- Let them share, while adding sequence, resolutions and/or support given, context and details.
- At the same time include the emotions and sensations that were part of the experience.
Bringing the left and right brain together can help integrate an experience.
Integrated experiences can make sense, even if we don’t like what happened.
This strategy can also be used to name our emotions and help
bring down the intensity. Being angry, and noticing that I’m angry, are not the
same experiences.
- When "I'm angry," this includes physiological reactions and I may be swept away by my emotions.
- When "I notice I'm angry," I’ve created some space between the physiological reactions, and myself; turning down the intensity. Now I have a choice and can respond instead of react.
I think this is one of
the best parenting techniques I have ever found. It increases my access to
options in the moment.
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Siegel, Dan & Tina Payne Bryson (2011). The Whole Brain
Child. Delacorte Press. New York.
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