Why Do I Lose it with My Kids?

Have you ever had an experience in which your own behavior made no sense to you? A time when you’ve reacted and then asked yourself, “Why did I just behave that way? 

Have you ever made the decision not to do something again, and you do it anyway? “I will not yell at my kids. I will keep my cool and be rational no matter how many times they refuse to get dressed.” Then, the next time they refuse to get dressed, you find yourself yelling. 

Sound Familiar?

These are examples of getting stuck in our lower brains, not able to access our higher brains. Of course it’s those higher regions that are in charge of being rational, thinking things through, problem solving, etc.  Getting from the lower to upper brain requires neural pathways to be in place between these areas. The more neural connections we have between the lower and higher brain, the more likely we are to use these pathways (or networks).

Two things are vital:

Having neural pathways from our lower to higher brain regions.

Being able to access the pathways we have.

The more we use specific pathways, the more efficient and automatic they become. So, in everyday life it works like this…my kids won’t cooperate, I get frustrated and yell. The more times I react this way the stronger that pathway becomes. It’s easier and easier for me to react that way, each time I do it. 

See the problem? 

To not react that way becomes increasingly more challenging, each time I do yell. However, it’s not hopeless. We have the brain power to initiate change by interrupting the process, and creating new pathways. WHEW!

Let’s break this situation down to two major components of our behavior:

1) We are getting triggered.

2) We are automatically using the path of least resistance, the same old one we’ve always used.

Component 1: Getting triggered

Psychotherapy is one way of figuring out why we get triggered, and for many it’s the right option. However, there may be another option. This will depend upon a few things: What is the intensity of the behavior? What is the impact of the behavior on your life and those around you?  What is your capacity for self-reflection? If you decide that the intensity and impact are not extreme, and you can be self reflective, this second option might be right for you. It entails becoming aware of the fact that you are triggered by certain situations, and accepting that as true. In this way you are owning the behavior and can now take responsibility. Taking responsibility means you are not blaming your behavior on the behavior of others.  By acknowledging and owning the behavior, you are now in a position to make a change, if that’s what you want to do.

Component 2: Path of least resistance

Step two evolves from our awareness. Awareness often begins as something that happens after the fact. Noticing that we had been triggered, after we yelled at our kids.  It can be as simple as saying to yourself, “oh wow, there it was, that yelling. I felt so frustrated/angry and just reacted.”  Not such a bad idea to also say something to the others involved. “Hey kids, I’m sorry I kind of lost it. I’m working on not yelling when I get really frustrated.”

That’s the beginning. We’re heading towards noticing in the moment and saying to yourself (or, out loud) something like, “I’m frustrated, I’m really struggling with this.” 

Noticing in the moment changes everything. 

We are no longer stuck in the lower parts of our brain; being frustrated with no options other then yelling. The noticing brings us into the higher parts of our brain.  We notice that we are frustrated, which is categorically different then being swept away by frustration.

Awareness in the moment, interrupts the process. This tiny space we have created with awareness, offers the possibility for response rather than reaction.  A new response triggers a new set of neurons and creates a new pathway. As we move away from the path of least resistance (the old pathway) it begins to break apart. As we use new pathways more and more often, they become stronger and stronger.

Parenting Through Dys-Regulation

Dan Siegel’s book “The Whole Brain Child,” is full of information on how to connect with children when they are dys-regulated, and ways to support integration. I highly recommend it.

The optimal situation occurs when we, and our children, can react to things using our whole brain. That doesn’t always happen. So, 

• What does it look like if we are having, or seeing, a right brain reaction? 
• What about a left brain reaction?

When the right brain is in charge we can be flooded with emotions, images, and physical sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, and we can appear quite illogical.

When the left brain is in charge we may deny or negate any emotions or sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, but we can appear very logical and practical.

Siegel talks about a river of well being, with one bank of the river representing chaos and the other bank representing rigidity. He defines mental health as “remaining in the harmonious flow between these two extremes.” He goes on to say, “By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current of mental health and happiness.” (2011, p 21)

Parenting Strategies during times of chaos or rigidity

Connect and Redirect: This includes allowing yourself to feel what your child is feeling and connecting with them right brain to right brain. This is not the time for logic; it is the time for attunement.  

• Acknowledge the feelings that are present, and use non-verbal cues (tone of voice, physical touch, body position, etc.) to show that you “get it." 
• After connecting, then you can redirect. Bring in the left brain to discuss what happened and what can be done.

During emotional flooding, the rational parts of the brain are not accessible (a topic that will be expanded upon in a different post). It makes sense that it's NOT the time to talk. To teach, or address behaviors, you want your child to be in a state of arousal in which they can take in and use information.

Name it to Tame it: Time and sequence don’t tend to hang out in the right brain. If the right brain is in charge then details such as, cause and effect, what happened first, next, etc. may become muddled. This means it’s easy to mix things up and make connections between events and feelings that may not seem logical. 

• Support your children in telling the story of an experience. 
• Let them share, while adding sequence, resolutions and/or support given, context and details. 
• At the same time include the emotions and sensations that were part of the experience. 

Bringing the left and right brain together can help integrate an experience. 

Integrated experiences can make sense, even if we don’t like what happened.

This strategy can also be used to name our emotions and help bring down the intensity. Being angry, and noticing that I’m angry, are not the same experiences. 

• When "I'm angry," this includes physiological reactions and I may be swept away by my emotions. 
• When "I notice I'm angry," I’ve created some space between the physiological reactions, and myself; turning down the intensity. Now I have a choice and can respond instead of react. 

I think this is one of the best parenting techniques I have ever found. It increases my access to options in the moment.

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Siegel, Dan & Tina Payne Bryson (2011). The Whole Brain Child. Delacorte Press. New York.