Rational Brain, ACCESS DENIED

Brain Development

Brains develop from the bottom up. When born, the “downstairs,” lower (sub-cortical) regions of our brain are developed. The “upstairs,” higher (cortical) regions are still developing. However, even once developed, our “upstairs” brains can go “off-line,” and not be accessible. I’m getting ahead of myself….back to brain development.

The lower parts of our brain focus on keeping us alive.  This is the seat of our automatic functions like our heartbeat, breathing, maintaining body temperature, and more. Our lower brain is the foundation for all future brain development. 

As we move up the brain we find the home of our emotions (the limbic system). Connections between our lower brain and the limbic system, can engage our fight, flight, and freeze responses. With connections to other parts of our brain comes a wider range of options. If these connections don’t exist, or aren’t accessible, we may be stuck with only these choices: fight, flight, and freeze.

Experiences create connections

If we have attuned caregivers then our needs are consistently met. We learn to trust the world. The lower part of our brain is organized, and connections are made that support us feeling safe and attached.  If this does not happen, then we have disorganization in the lower parts of our brain. We don’t have strong connections leading to feelings of safety and attachment.

The level of organization in our lower brain makes a big difference. This, however, doesn’t mean that securely attached kiddos won’t have meltdowns. Remember, the higher parts of the brain are still developing. So, there will be times when our kids may be stuck in the lower parts of their brain, and yes, you guessed it, the only options they have are fight, flight, and freeze.

Next, we’ll be talking about how to support higher and lower (vertical) brain integration. In other words, helping our kiddos build that stairway to the upper brain…no hammers necessary.

Stay Tuned....

Parenting Through Dys-Regulation

Dan Siegel’s book “The Whole Brain Child,” is full of information on how to connect with children when they are dys-regulated, and ways to support integration. I highly recommend it.

The optimal situation occurs when we, and our children, can react to things using our whole brain. That doesn’t always happen. So, 

• What does it look like if we are having, or seeing, a right brain reaction? 
• What about a left brain reaction?

When the right brain is in charge we can be flooded with emotions, images, and physical sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, and we can appear quite illogical.

When the left brain is in charge we may deny or negate any emotions or sensations. Our nervous system isn't regulated, but we can appear very logical and practical.

Siegel talks about a river of well being, with one bank of the river representing chaos and the other bank representing rigidity. He defines mental health as “remaining in the harmonious flow between these two extremes.” He goes on to say, “By helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexible current of mental health and happiness.” (2011, p 21)

Parenting Strategies during times of chaos or rigidity

Connect and Redirect: This includes allowing yourself to feel what your child is feeling and connecting with them right brain to right brain. This is not the time for logic; it is the time for attunement.  

• Acknowledge the feelings that are present, and use non-verbal cues (tone of voice, physical touch, body position, etc.) to show that you “get it." 
• After connecting, then you can redirect. Bring in the left brain to discuss what happened and what can be done.

During emotional flooding, the rational parts of the brain are not accessible (a topic that will be expanded upon in a different post). It makes sense that it's NOT the time to talk. To teach, or address behaviors, you want your child to be in a state of arousal in which they can take in and use information.

Name it to Tame it: Time and sequence don’t tend to hang out in the right brain. If the right brain is in charge then details such as, cause and effect, what happened first, next, etc. may become muddled. This means it’s easy to mix things up and make connections between events and feelings that may not seem logical. 

• Support your children in telling the story of an experience. 
• Let them share, while adding sequence, resolutions and/or support given, context and details. 
• At the same time include the emotions and sensations that were part of the experience. 

Bringing the left and right brain together can help integrate an experience. 

Integrated experiences can make sense, even if we don’t like what happened.

This strategy can also be used to name our emotions and help bring down the intensity. Being angry, and noticing that I’m angry, are not the same experiences. 

• When "I'm angry," this includes physiological reactions and I may be swept away by my emotions. 
• When "I notice I'm angry," I’ve created some space between the physiological reactions, and myself; turning down the intensity. Now I have a choice and can respond instead of react. 

I think this is one of the best parenting techniques I have ever found. It increases my access to options in the moment.

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Siegel, Dan & Tina Payne Bryson (2011). The Whole Brain Child. Delacorte Press. New York.

When Kids & Parents Feel Overwhelmed

What does the word overwhelm mean?  To be covered or buried beneath something, to be overpowered.

What happens when we are overwhelmed?

Our brains and bodies are always taking in sensory information. If any of this input is perceived as threatening, a small almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala, automatically activates either our sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous systems.

If we believe we can do something about the perceived threat, our sympathetic nervous system is activated and our body prepares to fight or to flee. This is called a hyper-aroused state. If we don’t believe we can do anything about the perceived threat, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated and our body shuts down. This is called a hypo-aroused state. In both of these states our nervous system is dys-regulated.

When our nervous system is regulated, we are within what is called, our "window of tolerance."  If we are able to deal with things without going outside of our window of tolerance, (not going into hypo- or hyper-arousal) then we are in a regulated state.

My daughter went into a state of hypoarousal (see 5/2 post). All energy went inward.  She was overwhelmed and shut down. At that time, parts of her brain were not accessible. She could not access her Pre-frontal cortex. The Pre-frontal cortex is the CEO of the brain. It plays a vital role in planning, organizing, deciding, analyzing, sequencing, attention, and more.

When it seems we’ve lost our minds, we kind of have, at least we’ve lost access to the rational parts. We can’t use logic and explanations to connect to a child in this state. For example, my questioning her, wasn’t the way to connect.

How do we connect? The topic of the next post…

What Happened? Right and Left Brain Reactions

It was the kind of sound that makes your heart stop and your body move at lightening speed. I ran into my 4 year old daughter’s room.

She was holding Elizabelle, her pet rat. There was a lot of blood.

My mind was racing; I didn’t know what to do or what to say. “What happened?” As soon as I said it, it felt wrong. I couldn’t articulate why it was wrong, but I felt it. She was frantic, inconsolable. We were both so overwhelmed.

My left-brain needed an explanation; it was pushing me to find a way to understand how this had happened. That is what left brains do, they want to piece things together in some kind of an order, so we can make sense of things. My body knew there was no making sense of this, but my brain held out for some explanation.

Slowly she showed me what had happened. She had taken Elizabelle out of her cage and put her in her play kitchen. One slam of the door at the wrong time resulted in this awful scene. Helplessly, she watched a pet she loved, die. 

She could not understand the cause and effect of her actions; she couldn’t have known this could happen. She couldn’t express her feelings and experience in words; those words did not yet exist for her. Those body sensations had no names attached to them yet.

This happened years ago. Today, I understand why it felt so wrong when I let my left-brain lead my behavior. Instead of being an observer asking questions, my daughter needed connection. She needed me to be present and attuned. She needed me to be in the experience with her.

The intensity of her emotions was too much for her, she shut down. She didn’t speak for several hours, but she needed my presence. I could not be afraid to go with her into these emotions. I had to let her know I was there no matter what, and that I could handle any emotions she had.

In the days that followed, we wrote books about Elizabelle, drew pictures and wrote her letters. We had a wall covered in butcher paper that grew with images and words over time. We created an Elizabelle doll that was a stuffed rat and talked and played with her. We did all of this so she didn’t have to stay stuck. We created a coherent narrative that she could process, so she could integrate the experience and move on.

In my next post I’ll talk about what was actually going on neuro-biologically during this experience. The more we understand, the more we can engage responsively and authentically.